Ep 120 | Bullying: How are schools handling it?

SPEAKER_01 0:00

In order to help foster responsible, respectful, kind children, we have to model that. There's no better way to learn than from the adults in your life to show you what's acceptable.

SPEAKER_00 0:22

Welcome to the Voices United in Education podcast. Each week we showcase the teachers, administrators, and community members who go the extra mile to contribute to the success of every student in Escambi County. You'll meet the real people behind the titles and learn about the amazing resources to support every student's success. Each generation has its share of burdens to bear, struggles that stem from whatever societal soup we're all wading through at the time. And this generation seems to be dealing with its fair share of bullying. As a parent, you want your kid to be neither the victim nor the bully. But many wonder how does the school handle bullying? My next guest is the director of alternative education, and today she's going to share what you should know as a parent and answer some very real questions. Over 33 years in education, juggler of plates, advocate for kindness, Carrie Coots. Thanks for being here. Thank you, Meredith. So I think we should start with what your department does, because it's kind of a long list. Your department works on all the with all the charter schools, oversees all the juvenile justice programs, the teen parent program, disciplinary reassignment, student attendance, alternative schools, online bullying investigation systems. Did I miss anything? You didn't.

SPEAKER_01 1:43

That's a lot. It is a lot.

SPEAKER_00 1:45

And that last piece is the online bullying investigation systems. So that's where anyone can go online and report harassment, correct? That's correct. How many of those cases are you seeing come through on a weekly basis? I would say we average 15. That feels like a lot. It is. It is. That feels like a lot. Well, I'm really glad that we're talking about this today because in my social circles of friends who have children, this is almost always part of the conversation. And so I'm so glad that we're able to talk openly about it with essentially, I mean virtually, parents are here with us in the room, right? And in fact, a lot of the questions that I have today are from parents. I kind of did an informal Facebook poll and got questions from them because I wanted to be sure to connect you to the people that have the questions as best as that I could. But the first question that I have what is the best way to report an incident? Is it best to do it formally through that online dashboard? Or if a parent can speak to the child's parent, the child who's being the bully, should they go that route?

SPEAKER_01 3:00

It depends on where the bullying is occurring. Oh. If it's in the neighborhood or at the ballpark or any after-school activity, I would certainly recommend that parents talk to each other if it's happening at school, because what we typically see is that it's affecting the child's attendance or his willingness or her willingness to want to participate at school. We we see those signs. So I would recommend that the parent start at the school. And I'm glad you're talking about the way that we can report online because people may not know that even if they come in to the school or they talk to the teacher or an administrator at the school, we're gonna document that report in our system no matter what. So the parent, if they don't want to talk to anyone at the school, they can put it in online. But if they talk to the school, we're gonna document it in that um system because we want to keep track. We want to know.

SPEAKER_00 4:15

So you recommend that they speak to a principal or should it be a teacher, a school counselor, who at the school should be their point person first?

SPEAKER_01 4:25

I always encourage parents to talk to the classroom teacher first. Um which classroom teacher? Because there's usually multiple classrooms, correct? Correct. I would start with the homeroom teacher or the teacher that the student has a relationship with or or the class that they're most comfortable sharing that information with the teacher. And then from there, certainly someone in administration if if you feel like things aren't being investigated or being dealt with.

SPEAKER_00 4:58

And you said it kind of depends on where the bullying is happening, if it's in the neighborhood, at the ballpark, or in the classroom or, you know, on school campus essentially. What if it's happening virtually? What if it's a classmate, but the bullying is happening in a group text, for example?

SPEAKER_01 5:14

I would want parents to to reach out to the other parent first, try to to have the two students or three students work it out on their own. But what we see is typically things like that spill over into school and and begins to cause problems within the school day. So most likely it needs to be addressed at the school.

SPEAKER_00 5:42

And this kind of brings up the really uncomfortable gray area of potentially sex crimes, right? So how does the school handle the overlap of sex crimes? And for those that are listening, they're like, what do you mean, sex crimes? If a if a one child is redistributing a nude photo of another child, that's distribution of child pornography, and that is a crime. So tell me what happens in a case like that.

SPEAKER_01 6:10

Well, you're naming it appropriately when you follow it up with crimes, because it it can be and it will be investigated to see it if a crime has been committed and we will uh communicate with law enforcement, it will begin to go that route and and it won't just be school consequences. They'll be more severe.

SPEAKER_00 6:33

I think that's important for parents to know, you know, that the school is not going to just sweep that under the rug because you hear those horror stories, even at the university level of stuff not really getting through to the proper channels.

SPEAKER_01 6:46

You're right. And you brought up a really great point in the opening, and you talked about generational um societal. Societal. And certainly that's something when I was growing up, we we were not so influenced by the internet and social media. And our students are now, and adults too. I'm not just talking about kids, I'm talking about adults too. And that's hard because when you choose to reach out in that format or post something, it never goes away. There is a digital footprint forever. And I don't know that a young person who has a cell phone uh and posts something harmful can understand the long-term consequences of how that can hurt someone.

SPEAKER_00 7:47

As parents think about having the talk with their kids, it feels like what you're saying is there's another talk that has to happen with kids.

SPEAKER_01 7:58

100%.

SPEAKER_00 7:59

And that's the talk about how you use the internet and how who you let follow you, who you follow.

SPEAKER_01 8:07

That is truly a societal soup. It is. And any research that you read or any article that you read about how do you support your children, how do you, how do you raise a confident kid? Because what we do read is and know through research that you know, more confident kids, children that have a high self-esteem, are less likely to fall victim to bullying. Or or even if they do, they have the skills to to know that words are just words. Even though they may hurt, I've got the skills that I can um I can overcome this person who's trying to make me feel bad about myself. And confident kids don't become bullies. That's right.

SPEAKER_00 8:53

No, I recently read that Escambia County Public Schools no longer allows cell phones during the day. Is that correct?

SPEAKER_01 9:02

For any other reason than an educational purpose.

SPEAKER_00 9:06

Do you think that'll have a positive impact on the bullying rates?

SPEAKER_01 9:11

Yeah, I do. I I think any time that we can have without um the opportunity to jump on the internet or to text or do anything rather than communicating face to face, whether it be in the classroom or at home, is only going to help our society.

SPEAKER_00 9:32

I think so too. It may even boost some of that confidence because you've got to communicate the old-fashioned way a little bit. And there's a lot of power in that because and it's not just um psychosocial, like there's some physiological things that happen when two people sit across from each other like we are right now, and we look each other eye to eye. You know, research shows that our breathing pattern becomes similar and all these cool things happen that are helpful for our brains and certainly helpful for young brains at the as they develop. So it'll be interesting to maybe do a follow-up with you in a year from now and see if those weekly reports are down from that number you shared earlier. I certainly hope they are.

SPEAKER_01 10:14

And I think too, looking back at the year 2020 and then 2020, 21, students were allowed the opportunity to learn from home. And I think we're still maybe trying to catch up from a lot of the skills that we learn as kids. Uh, I call them friendship skills. If I'm playing with a group on the playground and I see, you know, one of our classmates over by themselves, how do I go over and communicate? Hey, you come come join us, you know. Um, things like that that for me, I know was really kind of a natural way to live back in the day. Back in the day, yes. In the 70s, and and now I just I don't think that's so natural. So that just means we're gonna have to work harder at it.

SPEAKER_00 11:12

Yeah, yeah, be a little bit more purposeful, intentional. And I think parents who are listening to this, that's where they're at. And so that's why, again, I'm so grateful that we can have this conversation because the people that are tuning in to listen to this episode, they're ready for that intentionality. That's what they want, you know. So um, on that note, I want to share a question from a parent. Okay. They ask, how do you substantiate a case when the definition of air quotes bullying varies family to family and generation to generation? For example, if a parent doesn't allow words like stupid, dumb, or hate, how do you handle it when a child thinks they are being bullied if another student uses those words towards them?

SPEAKER_01 11:54

Great question. Because certainly we're all raised differently, come from different backgrounds. And what may be acceptable in your home may not be acceptable in my home. I'm just gonna go back to communicating. We have to have those conversations with our children and say, in this house, this is what the expectations are. Raise that student to um if another kid says stupid or you know, that may be what they're hearing in their home, but that's not what defines you. You're building up that confidence in that kid to know that his mom and dad think it's okay to say that and it's not about me.

SPEAKER_00 12:43

It's not about me. On the school level, how do you substantiate the the cases that do tend to come from that angle of, well, you know, he said this to me, she said that to me?

SPEAKER_01 12:55

I think a lot of that goes back to knowing where that child is coming from. Are are they not getting enough attention or enough accolades to say, you know, they may not be a straight A student, you know, but they're doing the best that they can. And we need to celebrate everyone and let them know that they're valuable. Sometimes kids can get to the point where they they just feel like everyone is against them. And it may just take one person that's reiterating that to them, and then they start to believe it. Um, we just have to be in tune and have conversations.

SPEAKER_00 13:40

That sounds like a really delicate conversation for a school employee to have with a kid whose parent has gone online and said, this other kid called my kid dumb, therefore they're being bullied. What does that look like?

SPEAKER_01 13:55

Well, we obviously see that. And and as parents and adults, we have to be the examples and the role models for our kids. And again, going back to that parent, you know, putting something out on the internet is is just really not the way to handle a situation. Let's talk about it face to face.

SPEAKER_00 14:19

So does the school then have a conversation with the parent? What's the process of peeling back those layers to figure out does this constitute actual bullying or are we having a hurt feeling situation?

SPEAKER_01 14:32

Well, it's bringing in all the parties and and having those conversations. And we would, in terms of an investigation, we're getting all sides. We're gonna talk to all of the kids that are involved. And we want to talk to the parents too.

SPEAKER_00 14:48

That sounds like a a tight rope to walk for sure. For sure.

SPEAKER_01 14:52

Um But we're here, Meredith, to provide a safe and caring environment so that we can teach kids to be successful. And if part of that is making them feel safe emotional, emotionally, then that's what we're here to do.

SPEAKER_00 15:10

I could see where that part of that process is having that hard conversation, but getting all the parties together and kind of that face-to-face moment, hopefully. Another parent wants to know what's the best way for a child to respond in the moment if they feel like they're being bullied? I thought that was a great question, too.

SPEAKER_01 15:30

Well, the best way is as much as you can ignore because the bully is looking for a reaction. That's what they want. And it's hard not to react, even as an adult, when when someone is deliberately using unkind words or or has posted something, you know, not very nice to you. The worst thing you can do is retaliate. But it's hard.

SPEAKER_00 16:01

It's hard even when you hear a third person account of like you're the child of a friend who is being bullied. You know, you you want to like look up that kid's address and go teach him a lesson, right? Because we're we're that's that's our nature. Even if you don't have children, you feel like a natural paternity over the children in the community. You want to keep them safe, you want them to feel loved. And so when another kid is being a bully, you know, uh, you really feel like those instincts well up and and and you feel for the kid too, because that's a hard situation. And that's a situation that you have personal experience with. Can you share a little bit about that? Um, sure.

SPEAKER_01 16:41

We are able to see all of the reports that come through the district and our office. And I have talked about the fact that we are we monitor those, we follow up with schools to make sure that um those investigations are being carried out and we've come to a conclusion and and the reporting is done accurately. But what we want to hear is that when an instance of bullying has truly occurred, we want to hear the the good stories. And last year at one of our elementary schools, we did have a situation. It was over the internet, sharing some not so nice words about a classmate. And through lots of group sharing and just having those real talks about we're all different. And and these words are hurting. And happy to report by the you know, the end of the school year, they they had turned it around and they had a loving classroom environment, and that young man um was truly remorseful and could see how hurtful his actions were.

SPEAKER_00 17:55

One of the parents actually asked about that. They said, How do you respond as a parent if you never thought your child was capable of bullying and then you found out that they were? And that's hard too.

SPEAKER_01 18:07

Children who are choosing to be the bully are actually, in my opinion, oftentimes reaching out for attention or because they're they're feeling as though they're not belonging in the group that they want to belong in. And they don't have those skills to to communicate in a a good way or respectful way. Can I hang out with you guys? So they begin to try to fit in in the wrong way.

SPEAKER_00 18:38

Yeah. And this is a a a topic that you as a child had some experience with too.

SPEAKER_01 18:45

I did. Can you share about that? Sure. I was in middle school, and there were several girls who and and it really looking back on it now, it occurred over several years. Just the the name calling, the the looks as you're walking down the hallway. Don't come to the skating rink tonight or you know, else kinds of things. But I had a really strong support system at home. I knew I could talk to my parents, and I also knew I could talk to a teacher at school and get help if I if I needed it. Um, I don't think I ever got to the point where I was truly fearful, because I probably didn't know any better that they would actually act on anything they said. But I think just growing up, knowing that I was loved and supported really, really helped.

SPEAKER_00 19:46

Absolutely. Another parent says, if your child is non-confrontational, how do you support them being docile while encouraging them to stand up for themselves, but also not be mistreated?

SPEAKER_01 19:58

And I that's a tough one.

SPEAKER_00 19:59

Especially if the parent has the opposite personality, I think that would be especially challenging. It it would be.

SPEAKER_01 20:05

And and I get those phone calls a lot. It goes back to do you think that any type of retaliation or so-called standing up for yourself? Because that can look two different ways. You know, that can look like a very calm, I don't like it when you talk to me that way and you walk away, or it could lead to physical violence, which we do not want at all. So showing kids that walking away is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of maturity. And as much as you can, that's really how you need to handle those types of events.

SPEAKER_00 20:46

That's so tough. I'm just putting my shoe myself in the shoes emotionally of that parent. And that would be so hard to control my face as I, you know, how your face kind of gives you a way of how you really feel. Oh, do I?

SPEAKER_01 21:00

Right? Like as a mom. And then, you know, I was a teacher first and then became a mom. And that brought a whole new way of looking at things for me. Yeah, really did. Um, and and you certainly want your prized possession to be treated well and to feel safe. So I get it.

SPEAKER_00 21:24

I mean, almost every answer that you've given has a thread of what happens at home is a huge piece of the puzzle. I I can't help but wonder where the bullies are seeing this behavior. And I'm not blaming the parents 100%, because as you said earlier, we have the internet, right? And not just do we have the internet, but we have the internet on not fully developed brains. Right. You know what they like you said, the beautiful story about the young man who realized what harm he was. Is doing. Well, I mean, he literally doesn't have a fully developed brain yet because we know that the prefrontal cortex doesn't fill in until they're 25, right? So it's kind of a um a bad combo. Um, but I I start to wonder is there a way that parents can model the opposite behavior at home to prevent the bullies from existing? Because we talk about in bullying and bullying, right? But how can we make the opposite true?

SPEAKER_01 22:31

Well, we absolutely can. And what you said earlier about, you know, not blaming parents and and and we're not. We're we want to help because we understand that in today's society, we're working. Parents are working, and and they're either maybe not at home, but when they get home and they're trying to get everyone fed and homework and and we're tired. And that's work also. It is a lot of work. Parents have more than one job. They do, they do. But in order to help foster responsible, respectful, kind children, we have to model that. There's no better way to learn than from the adults in your life to show you what's acceptable.

SPEAKER_00 23:19

And is that the uh the subtle yet official launch of your kindness campaign? It is. Tell me what you're thinking about that. Because when you shared that with me off mic, I just love that idea. You're absolutely right. We hear all about preventing bullying. But I don't know that I personally have heard much about promoting kindness.

SPEAKER_01 23:42

So last school board meeting, we had our yearly proclamation for National Bullying Prevention Month. And we typically like to create our own slogan for our school district. And we started looking at ideas, and I just thought, how can we promote this in a more positive way? You know, um, say no to bullying. And and we see say no to drugs. Well, as kids and adults too, you know, sometimes what's the first thing you want to do when someone tells you no? You want to do whatever it is that they're telling you not to do. So I thought we've got to turn this around. And it's our team um in the alt-ed office. We we work together, and so we're going to do choose kindness and respect. And um the Escamia County Public School system is against bullying. We are united against bullying. So that's the direction we're going in this year, and I find myself needing a daily reminder of being more positive because we do see so much negative. And we've got to get that message out there that we've got a lot of good people. I can promise you there are more respectful and kind children in school right now than there are bullies.

SPEAKER_00 25:18

That's very encouraging. Is there going to be any online resource for this kindness initiative?

SPEAKER_01 25:25

Yes, you can check the alternative education website, which we will also post on the school district's homepage. We'll have banners at every school that will be promoting this type of awareness.

SPEAKER_00 25:42

Love that. I think that's great. Well, I love it. You're wearing a be kind shirt. I think that's a great, great start. I have now a be kind shirt. You had to have one too. I love it. Thank you for that. You're very welcome. And I really appreciate you taking the time to answer these tough questions and to encourage parents that they do have the authority, the autonomy, the agency to shape how their young person thinks about kindness. That's beautiful.

SPEAKER_01 26:12

Well, thank you for the opportunity to share.

SPEAKER_00 26:16

Thanks for listening. Be sure to subscribe and share. Voices United in Education is a production of Scambia County Public Schools.